Lousy Speller
by alphastudio
Summary: Based off a tweet by Raphael Sbarge; "to all those who may be wondering... I am a lousy speller. Just for the record..." Shepard finds out that despite his powerful biotic abilities, Kaidan hasn't always been the best speller in the galaxy.


The first time Shepard noticed it, it had been in a short, succinct email and he'd just brushed it aside. There were plenty of reasons for those kinds of small errors. Perhaps Kaidan had been tired? Shepard knew himself that after a while, the orange glowing buttons on a console could start to run together if he worked on one for too long. Especially after a mission. Maybe Kaidan had written that email after a particularly tough mission? Something like that anyway. That made sense.

But this, Shepard looked down at the napping major beside him, there was no excuse for this. The grammar was fine, and it made sense, it was just...

"Hey there," Kaidan rolled over by his side, blinking sleep out of his eyes.

"Hey. Headache gone?" Shepard reached over with his free hand and rubbed the base of Kaidan's neck gently.

"Gone," Kaidan hummed, throwing an arm casually over Shepard's lap, "Still working?"

"Yeah, I was just looking at this report you wrote for the last N7 mission we did."

"... Why? You never look over our reports."

"ah well, no, usually I don't, Specialist Traynor does it. But she forwarded this one to me today, and I was a little confused as to why, until I read it."

"Oh yeah? It's fine, right?" Kaidan closed his eyes again. Shepard wondered if he should mention it or not. He supposed he had no choice now that Kaidan was curious, though he was half asleep, too. He looked down at the black haired man with a smirk and decided it would be worth it, anyway.

"... It's fine, it's just..." Shepard paused, if only for dramatic effect, "You've spelt my name wrong." Kaidan's eyes blinked open, and he flushed slightly as he looked up at Shepard.

"Ah, sorry, musta been tired." he chuckled. Shepard nodded understandably.

"Maybe," Shepard hummed thoughtfully, "though you've spelt it S-H-E-P-E-R-D every time." Kaidan sat up now. Shepard could almost see the letters running slowly in Kaidan's mind, like he was visualising the letters in front of him.

"... Isn't that...?" Kaidan's face was rapidly flushing a deep, deep embarrassed red now.

"No, Kaidan, it isn't." Shepard said almost apologetically, as though Kaidan had just been told that his whole life was a lie, and Shepard had been the one who had broken it to him.

"Oh my god," Kaidan took the data pad from Shepard and scrolled through it with a groan and an embarrassed muse of his messy bed hair, "Damn it, John, you should have told me there was an 'H' after the 'P'!" Shepard outright laughed at that, almost uncontrollably. Oh god, there was no way Kaidan could get any more adorable!

"What?" Kaidan narrowed his eyes as the commander fought to control his breath.

"It's S-H-E-P-A-R-D." Shepard grinned at the other man.

"... Oh."

"Don't worry about it." Shepard took the data pad back and scrolled up to another error.

"I've always been a lousy speller okay, I've just, I must have somehow turned off auto-correct or spellcheck, or both! Somehow."

"Mhmm," Kaidan scowled at the blasé response, "this is my favourite, though," Shepard continued, clearing his throat, then reading in the most serious but mocking tone possible, "'Commander Sheperd nocked the husks back with Shockwave and Liutenent Vega used For- heh" Shepard tried to suppress his laughter by pursing and biting on his lips before continuing, and Kaidan punched him in the arm, "'- Liutenent Vega used_Fornification_to reinforce the squad's armour.'" and then Shepard collapsed into laughter, slouching back onto the headboard as Kaidan paled.

"You're lying!" Kaidan grabbed the data pad off him, "I did not-"

But there it was on the screen.

_Fornification_.

"It was an accident! I meant _Fortification_!"

"Mhmm."

"I did! And that's not even the word, isn't it fornication?"

"Yeah, but it sure as hell sounds like 'fornication'."

"... Can I please die now." Kaidan whispered, rolling over to face away from Shepard, and yanking the covers off the other man and over his own head, where he began to burrow determinedly into the bed.

"Oh hey, now, come on," Shepard dropped the report down onto the sheets and tried to unearth Kaidan from his cocoon. Kaidan just wriggled deeper into the bed.

"It's just a typo, right? Not a spelling error! A f-Freudian slip!" Shepard laughed again, his abs were beginning to ache from laughing so much.

"I- it's not like you need spelling for biotics or-or to join the Alliance or whatever, okay, it doesn't matter!" Kaidan called from within his fortress, his voice muffled and insistent.

"Exactly! So will you come out now? I'll stop laughing." Shepard grinned. Kaidan peeked out the top of the cocoon, his hair even messier than before, with the dirtiest glare he could muster.

"You are a giant dick and I hate you." Kaidan spat.

"But aren't you glad Traynor goes through all the reports before they're sent?" Shepard smiled but all he got was a grumble.

"All gladness is negated by the fact that she's forwarded it to you. Stop laughing."

"I'm not laughing!"

"You're laughing with your _mind_." Kaidan hissed, and Shepard snorted at that and began to laugh again. Kaidan made an offended noise and pointed at his face accusingly.

"Not my fault! You made me laugh!" Shepard bit down on the insides of his lips again. Shepard struggled to keep a straight face as they fell into silence, Kaidan's mouth was slowly pouting more and more as the seconds passed, and Shepard didn't think that he even realised that he was doing it.

"Stop it," Shepard shuffled down into the covers to lie next to the other man. The data pad made a thunk when it slid off the bed and onto the ground. He snaked an arm over him and pulled him close, "and stop being so damn adorable."

"I'm not adorable," He said in the most offended tone possible, which only confirmed how cute he was being, "my dignity has been completely crushed."

"You'll get over it. Nobody cares. Nobody knows, anyway. Besides me. And Traynor... and maybe Joker."

"She sent it to Joker?!"

"And maybe James." Shepard said almost gleefully.

"Oh my god, not James!" Kaidan groaned again, probably imagining the multitude of egotistical fornication jokes that would surely drive him insane in the future. He buried his head into Shepard's neck as if to hide, "Stop, stop. We're not talking about this anymore. Ever."

"Alright." Kaidan gave a great sigh of relief and Shepard felt his eyes flutter closed against his skin. Shepard's amusement died down and Kaidan's heart slowed to its normal speed again, though his ears were still burning red. He felt Kaidan's leg shift to twine with his under the bed and he slowly fell asleep again. Shepard smiled.

"Hey, Kaidan." he whispered into his ear. The major hummed, shifting slightly.

"You spelt lieutenant wrong t-" Shepard choked on his words with a gasp. Kaidan had punched him, none too lightly, in the stomach. So much for almost asleep. Shepard laughed breathily and closed his eyes, rubbing his stomach with his free hand.

Worth it.


End file.
